I like to say I don't have regrets, but I imagine we all do, whether we admit them or not. I often find myself daydreaming, "what if I had taken that job at Hyperion Books?" Or "what if I had moved to Europe right after college?" like I wanted to. And I'm surprised when people describe me as successful because I didn't follow any kind of straight line to arrive at where I am now, and I don't describe this as "it." Successful to me would be writing a bestseller.
I went to college to be a journalist after all, and I wound up getting a degree in English because I enjoyed those classes more. I feel like so many of the turns my career and my life have taken have been a result of where my emotions lay at the time. For many years, I stayed with the man who'd become my first husband because I thought he'd make me a stronger, less emotional person. It has taken a long time for me to realize I should embrace who I am and dwell in her.
Part of my catharsis and ever-changing outlook on life involved getting a tattoo on my back a couple of years ago. I had wanted it for years but kept saying I'd get it when I lost that last 10 pounds. Then I realized at 35, I was not going to lose that last 10 pounds, and couldn't I just love who I was physically once and for all? Someone said, "YOU have trouble with self-esteem?" when I was explaining why I chose the artwork that I did. The shock in her voice made me laugh, and made me think, "Yikes, man. Do I come off as arrogant or something?" I overanalyze everything to death, but that's me. That's who I am. And I need to learn to love me more than I do.
I'm always changing. Always dreaming. Always thinking about the next road. And the next. I'd like to spend more time looking ahead and less time analyzing choices I've already made or other people's reactions, especially if they're negative. To Hell with all the negative energy, I say. I want only positive energy in my life. Life is too short not to take ALL the happy roads! :)
Yes to positive, happy roads!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! I love your honesty, Kristinn. Not to do the dreaded "when I was your age..." but I think we go through a process and when I was in my 30's, I was where you are now. It took awhile to get to the "I have no regrets" stage. It doesn't mean that I didn't sometimes wonder what it would have been like to join the Peace Corps after college (one of my early dreams) or to go get my PhD, but I don't have any sadness or bitterness that I didn't. And, hey, I could still do either one or both if I really had the desire! I think it's more positive, as you mentioned, to be looking forward and thinking about what's next instead of over-analyzing the past. I hope we will all keep being excited about what's down the road!
ReplyDeleteMe too! And here, at 82 yrs. getting high lights in my hair, planning for a trip to France (another sentimental journey) & beyond. I often wonder how my life would've evolved if I hadn't been widowed. I like this ever-emerging life better.
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